Archive | Lists RSS feed for this section

Greg’s Facebook Terms of Friendship

You are entitled to continued access to Greg’s facebook wall and messaging system under the following conditions:

  1. You shall not excessively post pictures of your food. We do understand that many meals look fantastic, and you want to promote your favorite restaurants (and gut size), but if you have more photos of food than people, you are looking for gout, not friends.
  2. Posting images that just contain text is a waste of the internet (not that I really care), but the text that normally covers these is drivel. Conspiracy theories, religious sentiments and mothers day messages are to be kept in text format.
  3. You shall not abbreviate like a 90’s teenager trying to send an SMS. Yes, I was a 90’s texting teenager once, and I’ve learn how to spell your vs ur, and even you’re rather than ur. If your first phone had a qwerty keyboard and you say something is g8, kill urslef.
  4. Facebook is not reddit. It is not 4chan. I come here to complain about my friends, not to see messages from other people’s friends. I like going to more than one source for my annoyance.
  5. If something offends you, and not just from me, keep it to yourself. Starting any sentence with “I am so offended, I just saw…” means you’re an idiot. Seek sterilization.
  6. If you are having some sort of apocalyptic relationship meltdown publicly on facebook, thank you. Human beings are designed to mainly care about other human beings and their sex lives – we are naturally nosy gossips. This means that when you post something about her “leaving you is crushing your world,” don’t tell people NOT to comment on it, or even better, complain that it was inappropriate to hit the “like” button. ‘Cause that is awesome.
  7. Seriously, thank you for all the terrible stock photos on which you slabber inspirational messages to waste my bandwidth. I will assume this either a calculated attack or you are too dumb to know any better and remove you. Please rethink breathing.
  8. If your ratio of random check-ins, photos of food, reddit reposts and general statements about what you’re thinking about wearing tomorrow exceeds the number of original status updates of an either humorous, insightful or quirky nature, photos of things that are actually interesting or entertaining, or things that you have actually made – fine. Just realize that you are adding nothing but clutter to an already poo filled internet, and are wasting your “friends” time with mind rotting junk.
  9. Don’t invite me to things that are not real events. Your reposted invite to “Support us on super national African-American cat-obesity awareness day” is stupid, pointless and disheartening. I get my hopes up a little each time I see I’m invited to something, and then scream and kick plastic chairs until my foot bleeds when I find out it’s not a real event. Heartless bastards.
  10. When making lists, have a point. If you titled the list, stick to the format. Don’t simply get angry and veer radically off target on to one of your usual expulsions of irritation. Not everyone is as cranky as you. I’m going to go look at pictures of puppies now.

Umm… GPL3 – it’s all yours.

Comments { 0 }

New Scale for Anything

We came up with a new scale for how good or bad anything is. English has words like “fantastic”, “great”, “poor”, “awful” etc. Now these are all fine and good, but there is still not enough of a set subtly that would be widely understood. So this is our new scale. Number one is perfect and number 10 is as bad as something could possibly be.

  1. Seven Samurai (simply perfect)
  2. Pulp Fiction (game changing, brilliant)
  3. The Last Crusade (really good, entertaining, feel-good)
  4. Rocky (Good, will see anytime I’m sick)
  5. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (pretty fair, like it, not really good, but you can’t not like it)
  6. Office Space (you want to like it, but you can’t, a lot of people say it’s good, but you know it’s really not)
  7. Anaconda (good-bad, but you still like it because it’s bad)
  8. The Transporter (Simply terrible. There is no way you would watch this again sober)
  9. Plan 9 from Outer Space (So bad that it’s almost good again, but you know that it’s not)
  10. Manos hands of fate (Nothing could be worse without involving testicles and razor blades)

Now this may look like it would be difficult to work into conversation, but it really works quite well after you’ve gotten it down. You can actually FEEL the difference between the films. For example:

“How’re you feeling man?”

“Well I just ate a burrito from that Transporter looking place down the road, and it was totally much more Rocky than the Office Space I was expecting – taste wise that is… because now my stomach is feeling a little Anaconda-ish”

“Dude… you should of had some of my Pulp Fiction Publix sub!”

Easy right?

Comments { 0 }

The 10 Coolest People Alive

Alan Rickman10. Matt Stone and Trey Parker

Tripping on LSD at the Academy Awards while wearing the dresses that Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez had worn the previous year should be enough to put them on any list for any category of anything ever.

9. Jeremy Irons

His website is not only awesomely gaudy and ugly, but his portrayal of Simon in Die Hard 3 is what inspired me to become a super-villain. 

8. William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy

If you think of these two great musicians as actors from Star Trek, then you have simply not lived. 

7. John Stewart and Steven Colbert

Because they don’t even need writers. Well, they help, but I don’t have writers so I have to take them at their word.

6. Steve Jobs

Well he didn’t sanction this movie, but he worked for Atari, founded Apple, NeXT and Pixar… not bad for a guy who didn’t used to shower.

5. Hugh Laurie

Have a problem? Dr. House will solve it by medicating himself. And pick up a copy of Black Adder while your at it, the idiot Prince George will give you an idea of how good old Hugh really is.

4. Charlie Rose

For God’s sake! The man went on the air with a black eye because he dove to save his Mac Book Air! That is the kind of dedication I look for in my journalists.

3. Hayao Miyazaki

The god of animation, mind shatter recovery and Totoro! Life without this man would not be worth living.

2. Makoto Nagano and Kazuhiko Akiyama

After twenty seasons there have only been two winners of Ninja Warrior. TWO! IN TWENTY SEASONS! There is nothing like it in the United States, or anywhere else. Any other show would realize they need easier obstacles, but not the Japanese!

1. Alan Rickman

The man played Richis, Severus Snape, Marvin, The MetatronHans Gruber and the great, the magnificent, Sheriff of Nottingham. His career of evil, brooding characters who get to say things like “Because it’s DULLyou twit. It’ll hurt more” has made him the coolest human being alive. 

Comments { 0 }