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Charlie Sheen Enlightened?

Why are we obsessed with Charlie Sheen?

Well I think the reason is that we, as human beings love to talk about other people; It is our favorite thing to do. We don’t actually talk about much else.. we gossip; when was last time you hung around with a group of your friends and didn’t talk about some detail about some friend that you knew mutually. Most celebrities are a of kind mutual friend that we all have in common. So when one of them explodes or goes catatonic, or does a 3 Mile Island then it’s something we can chat about, all relate to, and its something we can all talk about the same way we do with the weather or sports or who’s getting married. And it’s always the friend that that has the most problems and issues you most like to talk about.

But is he crazy? Well I’ve heard some very similar things come out of the mouths of folks who have become enlightened the easy way, that being the drug way. Considering the man’s lifestyle, I’d guess that things like “winning” and “getting it” and “knowing the truth” are actually right. Not that anyone other than a few would even understand what I’m talking about, but yeah, I think Charlie Sheen found enlightenment. What a good joke 🙂

Seriously dude, we’re F-18s bro, WAY better than Neon.

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Truisms

This is another stupid email that someone thought was insightful, and decided to waste my time with it. My answers are below each point.

Truisms

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I have a mac – 128 bit encrypted root access only… I don’t need friends, unless the NSA really wants to see what I look at.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

It must truly be awful, I don’t look forward to the day when it finally happens to me.

3. I take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

If you can sleep when you’re dead – who cares about sleeping when you’re four? Sleep deprived children show strong motivation and character.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Don’t all fonts have tone built in?

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

By folding it

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

No

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

People still use map quest?

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

They would also be more interesting if they showed the person, gave you their address and credit card number, but somethings are still private.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

This is because deprivation interferes with short term memory

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

So do telling them

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

It comes quicker when you read emails about things other than actual work

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

Yes, that always works. See? I don’t need a special font.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

You’re a retard, turn autosave on. Seriously.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

I see one of my friends wrote this.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

That’s why I always call you from other people’s phones.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Mine has one… buy a real fridge.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

Normally they begin with lips touching.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

Most of the time, I’ll watch a movie and think that this would have made sense if I was younger… that because 90% of movies are written for either children or people with IQs of 75.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Good for you.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

You need to get NPR in you car… they have it on the radio these days.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

That’s because eating is an activity. Try drinking, works for me.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word. they said?

Right up until they shoot you in the thigh
Jules: “What” ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in What? Brett: What? Jules: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Sometimes the dick is from Korea, in a rented car, and his GPS gave him the directions a few seconds too late to make it across, and now, for some reason, he is in the middle of a terrifying six lane highway with cars trying to block him from getting to the exit he needs to take to make his flight back to Korea in time to donate his kidney to a dying orphan. Who’s the dick now? Let a bastard in, where do you have to be in such a hurry that you can’t cut someone a break?

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Really? You must have a pretty boring life for your pants never to get dirty. Dirty pants are a sure sign of a good time.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

It’s just you. Also, what are you doing hanging around with high school kids?

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Ok, this is something I can actually agree with. Cyclists are fuckers.

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

See a neurologist.

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Letter to mc chris

Dear mc chris,

I’m one of those silly, nerdy, vegetarian, music playing, comic book-reading, and computer programming dweebs who have, in the past, bought your albums, t-shirts and tickets to your shows. I’ve got a nice little collection of photos of you and me (with you in the same pose and me in a variety of weights), and adult swim DVDs. I am the type of person who likes, understands and finds your work both intelligent and freaking hilarious. HOWEVER, I tried, a few times to get your new album, mc chris goes to hell in a format that fits my life choices in terms of technology and fagy green-earth-loving-recycling-etc preferences – obviously (from the overly wordy message) I was disappointed. Your website promotes an actual CD that would have to be shipped, in the mail, to my house. Seriously? That’s it? Did I not see the download link? I do drink a lot, so it’s possible. So I checked iTunes… I mean, I have friends who have bands at the local pool bar who have albums on iTunes… NOTHING. Not a fucking sausage! Pissed, I downloaded the album from thepiratebay – like I do for almost everyone one else. Great record by the way, you have defiantly moved the beats in line with the rhymes to a maturity of sheer hip-hop dork genius that puts you in a complete league of your own – but a fucking CD? Seriously? Look, I have bought like five things on your ebay store; I put money in the CF jar every time at every show; I force you on my friends, and blast your beats in my business.

Look, I’m happy to buy whatever you have to sell as long as it is not a useless piece of plastic. I have the album now, love it, happy to send you the $15 or whatever via paypal, but I don’t want, need or have a use for anything other than the files. Please give us some sort of option for doing this, or, if you MUST have a physical representation of your art, give us a T-shirt and a download code (that would be awesome – (I’d pay $50 for that) – or an action figure, or SOMETHING, other than a plastic case to get lost in my collection of Dreamcast games. If not, I’ll toss an extra few bucks in at the next show.

Thanks sir,

G

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What the hell is Audible Silence?

This is the alarm console in our office building. What the hell is audible silence?

audible-silence

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Water Juice Box… Seriously

Right there with the actual Juice

Right there with the actual Juice

Water Juice-Box

Water Juice-Box

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Paperless

This is progressive’s idea of going paperless. These were all in the same envelope, as little notes for you to write down your account number on the back when you decide to use the interweb as your billing tool. There was of course a ton of other literature, but I felt the purity of the irony of these as a collection was simply too priceless to distort.

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Barstool Economics Nonsense

I got that idiotic “Barstool Economics” email today from my boss. My grandmother sent it to me a few days ago. I won’t go into what it says because you can find a million fucking copies on the interweb that will tell you how great a picture of our economic system is. My response to the email was as follows… it got a little off subject toward the end.

First off, check your sources,

  • Summary of the eRumor
    • This is an attempt to use a story to try to explain the complexity of taxes and tax cuts.
  • The Truth
    • The biggest question about this eRumor is not so much whether it’s an accurate picture of taxation as to who actually wrote it.

Got this of a rumors site:
The most recent version that has circulated on the Internet attributes it to David R. Kamerschen, a professor of Economics at the University of Georgia.
On his website, however, he denies that he wrote it and says he doesn’t know who did.
How his name got attached to it, he does not know.

Different version says it was written by another university professor, T. Davies of the University of South Dakota.
He too denies that he wrote it.

So its origins is still a mystery

Secondly, I could counter how childish and small minded this analogy is by writing a funny retelling of it, but why bother, lots of people have done the same thing already: some great ones collected here and here

Finally, saying things like “you’re a socialist” is not only silly, but not particularly well thought out. I am a socialist, and not offended by it – it’s not “un-american” or whatever other nonsense Fox tells you it is: America is a socialist country already. We have socialized infrastructure (roads, rails, ports, highways), city services like police, fire, medical rescue, we have socialized education (not great but better than not even being able to read) socialized military (a massive, juggernaut of a socialized system), socialized democratic process with elections, some socialized television, radio and communications, socialized healthcare in the forms of medicare and medicaid and protection care and socialized insurance systems for insurance companies, banks and now the freaking housing market, loan companies and anyone who plays golf with old W.

The only thing that is NOT socialized is higher education (which it kind of is) and health insurance for the middle class. I mean, name ONE thing that is not socialized that these “socialists” are screaming to take over. Fuck the post office, I don’t care, I want to know that when my friend gets hit by a bus, someone can pay for him to live, ’cause he sure as hell can’t afford health insurance.

The only thing that people think is un-American is, in reality, secularism. We don’t wan’ ’em fags marryin’, it’ll desiccate married folk – we need our guns incase the government rises against us – muslims is evil an’ god loves football and hot dogs and apple pie and bombing brown people. (Yes, clinging to there guns and religion is right.)

I am getting sick and tired of being called un-American by right wing nutcase christian family members (who were born in places like Zimbabwe and haven’t even been US citizens as long as I have – fucking retarded) simply because I God is a fairy tale and I wish George W. Bush was.

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Religulous vs Fireproof

Does anyone else find this as funny as I do? Religulous vs Fireproof? Someone please felch Kirk Cameron.

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Is this really the ecological way to store gas?

Does Marathon really think that painting a dolphin on the side of one of their giant petroleum storage tanks, which stink up half of South Tampa, makes them look like good guys? I know that the gas companies have a bad rap, deservedly so, but are they so out of touch that they think that this will fool anyone? And if it is some attempt at beautifying the area, or at least making the best out of a bad situation – trying to make the tanks look a little less terrible for the people who live down there – then it’s a pretty poor fucking attempt. They painted only one!  Is that lazy? Stupid, disrespectful and evil more likely.

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Screw the Handicapped

The men's sign outside the bathroom in my office park

I don’t know if everyone else will find this as strange as I do, but this picture was taken on the first floor of a three floor building. Now I am not the world’s leading advocate of handicapped rights, but I don’t park in handicapped spaces and don’t throw people out of their wheelchairs when I arrest them. However, I’ve got to say that putting the wheelchair accessible bathroom on the top floor does seem to be a bit of a sick joke… Even for this place with it’s shitty cafeteria and leaking water feature.

A side note on the service on the cafeteria, when I pay for my daily sandwich or diet mountain dew, I use, like everyone under the age of 30, a debit card. This card is placed in the greasy proprietors hand and he (as is the custom) swipes my card though a machine of dubious security. He then places my card on the cash register until the transaction is confirmed. In other words, I have to stand there with my wallet open until he gives my card back. Why? Do I look like I’m going to run off and the card is going to come back as overdrawn? Does my suit scream criminal or lowlife? I mean, I have to sign the damn receipt anyway, so I have to wait for that. I don’t understand. I guess I’ve never had a real job – meaning one with cash register – so I wouldn’t understand. But one day, I’m going to nicely rake my card and receipt back from the gentleman, snap the card in two in front of his face and slit his throat with the jagged edge of my broken card and the snapped side of my psyche.

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