Greg’s Facebook Terms of Friendship

You are entitled to continued access to Greg’s facebook wall and messaging system under the following conditions:

  1. You shall not excessively post pictures of your food. We do understand that many meals look fantastic, and you want to promote your favorite restaurants (and gut size), but if you have more photos of food than people, you are looking for gout, not friends.
  2. Posting images that just contain text is a waste of the internet (not that I really care), but the text that normally covers these is drivel. Conspiracy theories, religious sentiments and mothers day messages are to be kept in text format.
  3. You shall not abbreviate like a 90’s teenager trying to send an SMS. Yes, I was a 90’s texting teenager once, and I’ve learn how to spell your vs ur, and even you’re rather than ur. If your first phone had a qwerty keyboard and you say something is g8, kill urslef.
  4. Facebook is not reddit. It is not 4chan. I come here to complain about my friends, not to see messages from other people’s friends. I like going to more than one source for my annoyance.
  5. If something offends you, and not just from me, keep it to yourself. Starting any sentence with “I am so offended, I just saw…” means you’re an idiot. Seek sterilization.
  6. If you are having some sort of apocalyptic relationship meltdown publicly on facebook, thank you. Human beings are designed to mainly care about other human beings and their sex lives – we are naturally nosy gossips. This means that when you post something about her “leaving you is crushing your world,” don’t tell people NOT to comment on it, or even better, complain that it was inappropriate to hit the “like” button. ‘Cause that is awesome.
  7. Seriously, thank you for all the terrible stock photos on which you slabber inspirational messages to waste my bandwidth. I will assume this either a calculated attack or you are too dumb to know any better and remove you. Please rethink breathing.
  8. If your ratio of random check-ins, photos of food, reddit reposts and general statements about what you’re thinking about wearing tomorrow exceeds the number of original status updates of an either humorous, insightful or quirky nature, photos of things that are actually interesting or entertaining, or things that you have actually made – fine. Just realize that you are adding nothing but clutter to an already poo filled internet, and are wasting your “friends” time with mind rotting junk.
  9. Don’t invite me to things that are not real events. Your reposted invite to “Support us on super national African-American cat-obesity awareness day” is stupid, pointless and disheartening. I get my hopes up a little each time I see I’m invited to something, and then scream and kick plastic chairs until my foot bleeds when I find out it’s not a real event. Heartless bastards.
  10. When making lists, have a point. If you titled the list, stick to the format. Don’t simply get angry and veer radically off target on to one of your usual expulsions of irritation. Not everyone is as cranky as you. I’m going to go look at pictures of puppies now.

Umm… GPL3 – it’s all yours.

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