Truisms

This is another stupid email that someone thought was insightful, and decided to waste my time with it. My answers are below each point.

Truisms

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I have a mac – 128 bit encrypted root access only… I don’t need friends, unless the NSA really wants to see what I look at.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

It must truly be awful, I don’t look forward to the day when it finally happens to me.

3. I take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

If you can sleep when you’re dead – who cares about sleeping when you’re four? Sleep deprived children show strong motivation and character.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Don’t all fonts have tone built in?

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

By folding it

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

No

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

People still use map quest?

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

They would also be more interesting if they showed the person, gave you their address and credit card number, but somethings are still private.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

This is because deprivation interferes with short term memory

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

So do telling them

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

It comes quicker when you read emails about things other than actual work

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

Yes, that always works. See? I don’t need a special font.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

You’re a retard, turn autosave on. Seriously.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

I see one of my friends wrote this.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

That’s why I always call you from other people’s phones.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Mine has one… buy a real fridge.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

Normally they begin with lips touching.

21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

Most of the time, I’ll watch a movie and think that this would have made sense if I was younger… that because 90% of movies are written for either children or people with IQs of 75.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Good for you.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

You need to get NPR in you car… they have it on the radio these days.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

That’s because eating is an activity. Try drinking, works for me.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word. they said?

Right up until they shoot you in the thigh
Jules: “What” ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in What? Brett: What? Jules: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

Sometimes the dick is from Korea, in a rented car, and his GPS gave him the directions a few seconds too late to make it across, and now, for some reason, he is in the middle of a terrifying six lane highway with cars trying to block him from getting to the exit he needs to take to make his flight back to Korea in time to donate his kidney to a dying orphan. Who’s the dick now? Let a bastard in, where do you have to be in such a hurry that you can’t cut someone a break?

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Really? You must have a pretty boring life for your pants never to get dirty. Dirty pants are a sure sign of a good time.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

It’s just you. Also, what are you doing hanging around with high school kids?

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Ok, this is something I can actually agree with. Cyclists are fuckers.

31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

See a neurologist.

One Response to Truisms

  1. silently she May 11, 2010 at 12:45 pm #

    You really shouldn’t end sentences with prepositions.

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